Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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