wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
