So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
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Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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