I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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