i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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