Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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