Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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