I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dicks are not precious.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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