tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she pinky promised me she was 18
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
