should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
