If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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