my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you had me at cake vodka
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
