sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So vagazzling was a success
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
