it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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