The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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