Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
