The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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