This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it was like having sex with a tree stump
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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