I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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