Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
