sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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