If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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