i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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