I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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