tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
