Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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