A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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