I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
a search helicopter?!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
