1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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