in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
