Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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