i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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