one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
