Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
