so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
