so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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