I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
