A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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