hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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