im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
