i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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