omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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