I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
