i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
