Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
