What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
