the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
