I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
