Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
