I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
