Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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