remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
