Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
