On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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