Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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