I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
