Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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