I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
