apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
