Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
