You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
OPIZZABONMYDICK
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
