It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
